In Others' Words

Woke up this morning and read an article in the Washington Post about unemployment. The article included diary entries from men and women around the area and several of them resonated so strongly I cried with the memories of when I felt this way.

Here's a secret for those of you who struggle with what to do for those you love who are going through this. Don't hide your problems, don't avoid them because you don't know what to say, don't pussyfoot around the elephant in the room.

Ask the question this way: "Do you want to talk about the job hunt?" And if they don't, respect that. And if they do, listen. We're not looking for answers from you. We're looking for a pat on the arm, a hug, a sympathetic ear.

They'll feel like a charity case, so invite them out for lunch or coffee and remind them that when they're back on their feet, they can take you out for lunch. And if now and then they want to pay for coffee, let them. It's a $10 boost of self esteem.

You think they have a huge burden on them, what with unemployment and financial worries and stresses at home that result from unemployment. But they're not problems with solutions or strategies to get out from under. They're like a giant box of the heaviest air you can imagine pressing down on you. Nothing much you can do except keep plugging away at the job front and that gets tough because of the depression and loss of confidence. The unemployed feel constantly rejected and worthless. Unemployable and therefore unlovable.

I know, I know - it's wrong, but it is the truth. So let them know that they are needed. Ask for their advice. Tell them if you need them to help you through a rough patch. Don't pretend all is well with you when it isn't. Let them know you need them to be a friend to you. Tell them you'll feel more like jogging if you know they're out in the cold waiting for you. Tell them you're thinking of leaving your job and striking out on your own and can you bounce some ideas off them? Tell them you're struggling with motherhood and what a pain in the ass your husband is being. Tell them they have worth and intelligence and wisdom and copious time to give that you would appreciate.

Here is all this in others' words from the article:

"This experience has really changed me. I now know what it is like to not be able to provide for our basic needs. I feel very vulnerable and lonely. I know I have so much to offer an employer, but the constant rejection takes a toll on your self-confidence. I am a positive, upbeat and energetic person. I am a solid rock that an employer can count on to get the job done, on time and under budget. Yet nobody wants me."

"I spent the afternoon volunteering at the zoo. Throughout my life, I have always found volunteering to be a rewarding experience. But, right now, when my career aspirations seem to be crumbling, volunteer work is one of the only things that keeps me going."

"I sit there thinking, and nothing occurs to me. I only succeed in making myself depressed. I take a bath, and I can't hold back anymore and I cry, I cry like a little girl. I feel so alone, trapped with a lot of pain in my chest, and then I think that I have to get dressed and get out of my apartment. I don't know. I have to do something. Maybe I'll go volunteer at the organization, but I can't be alone at these times."