Back to the skies

If you've followed my blog, you'll notice another change in the design.  Gone are the more subdued autumnal colors and the title--Grounded Living--that reflected a tumble to earth.  As I considered a new design, I didn't want to return to the optimism of the original title, "Destined to Fly."  Despite my depression and difficulties of the past couple of years, optimism has turned to knowledge.  I know I can do an Ironman.  I know I can get an awesome job.  I know I can do an amazing job for my employers.

I know I can fly.

I'm writing this - returning to the blogosphere - because I was asked to.  Not by my adoring public!  Not by my one or two keen readers.  Not by my partner in life.  Rather, my therapist suggested that I write down how I am feeling as a worthwhile human being.  Something that I could look back on when I face down times, when I wonder why I'm doing something, when I question my worth.  And even better, her suggestion was her last to me - she's told me I no longer need to see her.  How cool is that?

I last wrote three months ago.  I'd just started working and was really enjoying it.  Since then, I've settled in well and taken huge delight in my amazing, funny, welcoming, smart, young colleagues.  I've also found opportunities to bring the benefits of my experience (being not quite so young) and skills to bear.

A couple of weeks ago, I made two presentations to our clients.  The first analyzed the results of the year-long project that I had inherited.  The impact is somewhere in the vicinity of $4.5 million per year.  But I took it further, projecting a long term impact that reflected more accurate data and was presented in a way that spoke more effectively to an executive audience.  Later in the week, I presented recommendations to eliminate a program that was showing no quantifiable benefits to the organization.  If I say so myself, the data I presented, relating those data to institutional missions, goals and performance measures, and the format that was appropriate for the audience, were second-to-none.  The client was very impressed and I know my boss was more than pleased.

At the end of that week, I wrote to a friend that it felt so good to feel worthwhile after feeling so utterly worthless for so long.

Intellectually, I know that I wasn't worthless.  Heck, I built a kitchen and two bathrooms during my time of unemployment.  I conducted a "reverse charity" program that used my non-work skills to help my friends.  But without the validation of a salary and having someone say "Yes, I want to hire you" and a routine of the working day and the daily interaction with colleagues, worthless is how I felt.  I was a failure at getting a job.  I was literally worth less than I had been in the marketplace.  Worse, I had lost all hope even.   I wasn't exercising and was a failure at something I had once been really good at.   I couldn't bring myself to go to races and support my friends and teammates.  I'd hide in my home, not even able to go outside some days, feeling like I had nothing to offer the world, my partner or myself.  Worthless.

Even though it's the job that has helped me the most feel worthwhile, I'm feeling worthwhile in other ways too.  I know that I had a small impact on several team members as they took on the challenge of Ironman over the past couple of weeks.  I'm having fun being a ride leader and leading spin.  Turns out I have a fair amount of knowledge and this role has given me permission to just go around telling people what to do!  Awesome!

So, future me, this is what it feels like to feel worthwhile.  You feel lighter, shinier, you stand straighter, walk with more confidence, laugh more, smile, giggle, seek out intellectual conversations, think creatively, are productive, look forward to future challenges, get excited about possibilities, are calmer, more able to roll with the punches.  More importantly, you have more to give your friends and enough self-confidence to resist taking their issues as rejection of you.  You are getting independent validation of your worth in the marketplace - every single person you've interviewed with would hire you tomorrow if something comes up and are telling others how impressive you are.  You've got one prospective employer who has been fighting to hire you for nine months - and he's been doing that because you're that good.  There's a race on to hire you.  And you can laugh at the fact that all the contestants in the race are tortoises!

I really hope that the next time I write it'll be to report on which tortoise took the gold medal.  Or maybe it'll be about a run with Boone or a particularly beautiful ride or about how much I'm actually enjoying swimming for the first time in eight years.  We'll see.  I'm looking forward to finding out.