This past week was a rough one, to say the least. After racing a hard and ridiculously successfully Half Ironman on Sunday, I was, to put it mildly, floating on Cloud 9. I wouldn't have thought that anything could bring be down to earth. Hubris, eh?
Wednesday brought a meeting I'd been looking forward to for a while. My colleagues were kind enough to invite me to a presentation by three experts who were involved in the Christchurch earthquakes of 2010/11. I was invited for translation services, I think, but I was grateful to be there. The three gave a wonderful presentation about the nature of Canterbury geology, the building structures, the immediate response, loss of life and injury and the recovery - both civic and psychological. There were a lot of good lessons for first responders in the States, and apparently there are several particular analogs to ChCh (Memphis, Washington State) that they are talking to also.
To say it was a hard meeting to sit through is an understatement. I knew that it would be - there's nothing quite like enormous photographs or firsthand testimony to heighten emotional impact. I had to leave the room for a moment, but I was so happy that I got to attend and hear about everything that was learned.
Unfortunately, for the rest of the day, all I could think about was something else entirely, on top of the emotions of the morning. A position that had been informally offered to me several months before, had gone to someone else (and I found out accidentally). I have to say that I'm not bummed about the position at all. I am in a good place professionally, with an excellent boss and doing what I want to do. And besides - "dysfunctional" is a polite way to describe this other group.
The thing that upset me, rather, was the related and resulting final, for sure this time, the end, period, destruction of my relationship with my former best friend of over five years. It's too complicated to unwind the Gordian knot of history and roles and responsibilities and accusations and hurts and recriminations on both our parts, but suffice to say that even though I'd formally ended the friendship months before, it still hurt like crazy, and the feelings of betrayal, anger and loneliness are acute.
So, that was Wednesday and Thursday. All of which simply served to make me think about the ending of another best friendship a couple of weeks before. Sigh. I'm on a roll. This one was far more my fault than hers, but nevertheless, I find my little circle of best friends decimated and I feel bereft.
And then there have been the body memories. After Ironman Lake Placid in 2009, I was starving, every two hours for several days. I didn't have that reaction after Cedar Point, but this week, after Kinetic, I was sore and tired and starving. Every 2-3 hours for several days, I could have eaten a full meal. The feeling brought back body memories of post IMLP which, for those of you who knew me then, was a few weeks of celebration and feeling like I could conquer the world, followed by 2.5 years of un- and under-employment and depression. (All of which, interestingly enough, gave rise to four incredible people entering my life and carrying me through that time - two of whom are now gone [see above].)
The training for IMMT has really clicked in the past 2 months, resulting in days like Kinetic. Although I'm not as disciplined or as consistent in my training as for my first Ironman, I'm able to apply five more years of knowledge and smarts, plus a base of ten years is really paying off with tackling rides with names like IH8URA, Happy Happy Pain Pain and Mountains of Misery. This time around, I'm enjoying training like I never have before. The pain and tiredness really only hit this last weekend and most of that I think was the residue from the race, while for IMLP, my body was crying out with tiredness and self-doubts about 4 months out from the race instead of 3 like now.
And because training has been going so well, I'm anticipating a huge high like IMLP instead of the more manageable triumph of Cedar Point. Which makes me think I'll crash hard like I did after IMLP. Which makes me even sadder that I won't have some of my old friends around me to share in both the joy and kicking me in the ass afterwards.
See how everything piled on this week?
So I've been having some heart to heart conversations with myself over the past few days. The first started with more of a "heart to back" conversation where I looked at the tattoo on my back in the mirror and reminded myself of what it says - Tinana Kaha, Wairua Kaha, Wahine Toa. Strong body, strong spirit, strong woman. I am an Ironman. I have incredible, wonderful, beautiful core traits and characteristics. I'm also annoying and irritating and make dreadful mistakes on occasion. If others don't value me, or miss me, or want to fight for our friendships, then that's on them. Right?
So, I am trying to live my emotional life the way I'm living my training life. With enjoyment, commitment, energy, wonder and and more than a little strength.
And thank goodness for hours upon hours of training to take my mind of things for a while.
Once again, I can turn to Maori for my mantra at the moment. All I need is for it to carry me through the next few months and to help me plan my post-IMMT efforts. Kia Kaha - Be Strong.
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