Wednesday

Under normal circumstances, there's nothing special about Wednesdays.  It's hump day if you have a job but since every day is pretty much of a muchness for the unemployed, it's just another day.
Today, this particular Wednesday, represents the most pathetic positive thing I could think of last night.  Imagine Scarlett O'Hara declaring "Tomorrow is another day."  Then imagine me lying awake in my bed, Raglan curled in the small of my back, Boone cuddled beside me, Anzac at my feet (no room for giant Tina and Mark was off on a very well earned break at the beach).  I'm annoyingly awake, reviewing all the low-mid level anxieties that have been invading even my dreams lately.  Feeling fat and ugly after a crappy WeightWatchers weigh in.  Feeling unmotivated and full of self-loathing.

As with all new aspects of my illness and situation, this one has me surprised and discouraged.  I thought depression was all about feeling low for no apparent reason.  This time I have reasons, but none of them are that bad.  OK, so there's unemployment.  But everything else is more of an anxiety rather than a situation or larger environmental issue. The earthquake, the damage, seeing everyone for the first time in four years, not being me when I go home, the bathroom, the kitchen, the plumbing costs, the refinance, the broken crown, the broken laptop, blah blah blah.

And funnily enough, there's a lot that's been going well - very well.  I've been incredibly busy between the kitchen and the bathroom renovations and camping and various other runnings around.  I'm also being seriously considered for a really good job - one that I'm actually qualified for and interested in.  The bad news is that everything is going so well that I'm getting hopeful.  Not a good situation when I know full well that any federal government job process (let alone ANY job process) is a) long and b) fraught with pot holes, false turns and dead ends.  Despite the fact that I want this job and I know I impressed them, chances are that it'll all come to naught.

So there I was last night wondering what is wrong with me and the only semblance of control over how I was feeling was the word "tomorrow."  "Tomorrow" I'd start again.  Back journaling what I ate, back exercising, back trying to worry about the things I need to worry about and letting go the things I can't control.  But then I remembered that tomorrow never comes.  So "tomorrow" became "Wednesday."  On Wednesday I'd do all this.

So here I am - at Wednesday.  Sitting writing this while a contractor builds stairs into the attic and reroutes an AC duct.  Wondering why some contractors (specifically a plumber but not our usual plumber) feel the need to scare people with predictions of doom and gloom (apparently we have an original boiler that he's predicting will die in the middle of winter - "You're living on borrowed time.")  Well, if that's the case mate, it's been limping along for a very long time and if it dies in the middle of winter, we'll camp out in front of our wonderful gas fire and call our wonderful friendly, non scary plumber.  Who also won't charge us a grand to remove the smallest radiator in the house.  Oy!

Other good news - Mark and I have chosen the wall tile for the big(gish) bathroom.  I love it and we've agreed upon the vanity, sink and mirror - only need to select faucets and lighting.  The color scheme is going to be so soothing - the perfect place to soak in my deep tub and drink a glass of wine.  Now all we have to do is select the floor tile.  Easy peasy!

Wednesday - the first day of a more positive outlook on life.  Just call me Scarlett ...